PSRNoShame04.09.14Telemarketers

TEN WAYS TO DEAL WITH TELEMARKETERS

table and chair onstage. PETER sits in the chair, reading a playbook. ANNOUNCER (ANNC) is offstage right. On the table is a boombox and a phone receiver. Lights down when we start

ANNC: Number one. [Lights up. The hangup. "Ring." [note that ANNC just says the word 'ring' instead of making phone noises.

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?
ANNC: Sir, can I interest you in --

[PETER hangs up the phone, goes back to reading. Lights down.

ANNC: Number two: [Lights up. Put them on hold. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?
ANNC: Sir, I represent Ganesh for a Better Tomorrow, and --
PETER: One moment please. [lights fade over next line.
ANNC: Have you considered the plight of the elephant-headed Hindu... sir? Sir?
[with the lights nearly all the way down, PETER hits stop on the boombox

ANNC: Number three: [Lights up. Be impressed. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?
ANNC: Hi there, I'm from MCI Long Distance! Is this Peter Rogers?

[beat

PETER: [truly amazed Wooowwww!
ANNC: Um sir?
PETER: Hmm?
ANNC: Did you know you could save over 30% on your long distance calls?

[short beat

PETER: Wowwwww!!
ANNC: Uh, yeah, pretty impressive...
PETER: Wwwwwoooowwww!

[lights fade over next lines.
ANNC: Man, are you all right?
PETER: That is amazing.
ANNC: Um...
PETER: Wowwwww!!

[lights down

ANNC: Number four: [Lights up. Bring a little culture into somebody's life. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Yell-o?
ANNC: Hi, this is Nat Gruyere from the People for Homeland Secur --

[PETER picks up the playbook and begins loudly declaiming a speech. Halfway through it...

PETER: Um... hello?

[lights down

ANNC: Number five: [Lights up. read between the lines. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Yeah?
ANNC: Hi, I'm calling on behalf of the Chihuahua Care Fund, and -- [PETER presses play on the boombox, goes forward one track. Barry White music starts playing. ... and we just want -- a -- er...
PETER: Don't stop. Tell me more about those dirty, dirty, miniature dogs. Hello? Hello?

[lights down

ANNC: Number six: [Lights up. involve the law. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?
ANNC: Sir, have you considered new vinyl siding?
PETER: Wouldn't it expose me to liability under the Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act?
ANNC: Um...
PETER: How about the Rural Electrification Act, does that come into play?
ANNC: I don't think --
PETER: Don't be so sure -- tort law is pretty complex.
ANNC: Well --
PETER: And what happens if I move to American Samoa or another U.S. territory or possession? Will it affect my ability to travel overseas? [lights start a fade.
ANNC: It's just siding --
PETER: How about if if I'm legally dead?
[lights out

ANNC: Number seven: [Lights up. say the magic word. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?

ANNC: Hi, I'm Chip Gundersun of the SUV Enthusiasts' Club. How are you doin'?

[beat

ANNC: Hello?

[beat

PETER: [whispered creepily "Moisture."

[beat

ANNC: Ew.

[PETER hangs up phone; lights down.

ANNC: Number eight: [Lights up. Invoke Ra the Sun-God. "Ring."

[PETER picks up the phone.

PETER: Hello?
CHRIS: Hi, I'm C. J. Allen, and I'd like to show you a sketch that I've been working on.
PETER: MAY THE MIGHTY SUN GOD -- hold on, what was that?
CHRIS: I'm C. J. Allen -- I'm a sketch writer, I was wondering if --
PETER: Oh, cool, what have you written?
CHRIS: Oh, it's really good -- it's this allegory about medical science, about this kidney stone, and...
ANNC: Peter!
PETER: [to CHRIS Hold on a second.
ANNC: [pokes his head onstage What are you waiting for -- do the thing!
PETER: [to ANNC But this sounds pretty good!
ANNC: What?!
PETER: [to CHRIS Yeah, the sketch sounds cool -- just bring it over.
CHRIS: Oh we're already there.
PETER: Great!

[CHRIS, JILL, and ANDY enter through the door.

PETER: Hi! [gets up, shakes CHRIS's hand.
CHRIS: Hi -- you can just have a seat over there [points vaguely towards audience and we'll set up.

[ANNC walks on stage, holding a cowbell.

ANNC: This was not part of the plan!
PETER: I know, but --
ANNC: We didn't even get to nine.
PETER: I know --
ANNC: I like nine.
CHRIS: [setting up for his scene Is it okay if we move this stuff?
PETER: [shrugs It's Shannon's.
ANNC: So I brought this cowbell for nothing?!
PETER: [taking a seat It'll be fine.
[ANNC glumly heads towards the seats.

ANDY: Ready.
JILL: Ready.
CHRIS: Okay, lights down?

[blackout

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Footnotes

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