AustinImprovWiki - Oob Wine Pimpz Revised Script

Out of Bounds 2003:

Wine Pimpz

Revised Script

[A table, DC. JACK sits L of table; JILL sits R of table. ERNIE stands DL talking on cell phone.

ERNIE: Karen, I can't talk now.

JACK: Jill, isn't this place fantastic? [JILL tries to get a word in. But then, nobody I date deserves any less. Wine?

[MARSHALL enters from UR

MARSHALL: [sotto voce Ernie! Psst! [points at JACK's table

JACK: [Toward ERNIE Sommelier?

[ERNIE waves off MARSHALL, MARSHALL scowls at ERNIE, heads toward JACK's table

ERNIE: Karen. I gotta go. Love you too. Bye. [beats MARSHALL to JACK's table -- ends up just UR of the table [to JACK Terribly sorry. Yes, sir?

JACK: We'll start with a... red wine? What do you recommend?

ERNIE: Among domestic reds, [MARSHALL approaches the 2000 Kelly !DeForest Pinot Noir is quite well-balanced, with a hint of blackberry and coffee.

MARSHALL: [MARSHALL jostles into the spot UR of the table -- MARSHALL and ERNIE fight over this spot throughout More of a black currant on the tart side.

ERNIE: Ah ... yes.

MARSHALL: And, to be precise, more oaky than coffee, Ernie.

ERNIE: Yes. Marshall. Thank you.

JACK: Interesting. [Flashes innocuous smile at JILL

[MARSHALL frowns, scowls

ERNIE: Or for something more full-bodied, the '99 Orson Ridge Merlot is fruity, with shades of black cherries and a smooth finish.

MARSHALL: A fine choice, sir, for appearance's sake. It smells lovely, but in the end, rather unsatisfying.

ERNIE: [to MARSHALL Marshall, don't you need to be corking something? [to JACK There's also the '02 Stoathill Cabernet Sauvignon. Rich, fruity, with a hint of raspberries and licorice. Economical too.

MARSHALL: It tastes like Twizzlers, thrown into a blender and then aged for two months in a cardboard box. You get what you pay for, Ernie, as well you know.

ERNIE: [exasperated What the hell does that -- [regains composure ahem.

[worse reactions from JILL, JACK

ERNIE: Typical advice from our resident cork monkey.

MARSHALL: I highly recommend the 2001 Seraglio Varicella Syrah. Unless, like Ernie, you can't tell a fine Syrah from Boone's Farm.

ERNIE: Ah, the Seraglio Varicella. It's like getting blown by a crack whore; cheap and curiously awful.

JACK: The Seraglio sounds... great. [smiles at JILL

MARSHALL: Very good, sir. Be right back. [exits

ERNIE: [mocking Very good, sir, if you don't plan on getting it up tonight. [exits

[beat

[JACK laughs. JILL doesn't.

JACK: It's... fascinating. Right? In a way.

[JILL gets up.

JACK: Huh? Jill!

[JILL exits DR.

MARSHALL: [entering, pours taste, hands glass to JACK Your 2001 Seraglio, sir.

JACK: WHAT! THE! FUCK!

MARSHALL: Oh, so you're a critic now too? [ERNIE enters from UR with a bottle. Ernie!

ERNIE: Not me, man. You're the dimwit who can't navigate a wine list with a compass, a flashlight and Baby's First Book of Domestic Reds.

JACK: Goddammit - I've been planning this date for three weeks!

MARSHALL: Bad call, brother.

JACK: Motherf-- [takes swing at MARSHALL; ERNIE brains JACK with the Syrah and JACK drops like a bag of wet cement

MARSHALL: Waste of an excellent Syrah.

ERNIE: THAT IS IT!! You've been messing with my recommendations all week, and this has been the absolute worst! What vintage crawled up your ass and died? Marshall, I've had it with you.

MARSHALL: You've been off your game since you started dating Karen.

ERNIE: What?

MARSHALL: You recommended the Orson Ridge. Only Karen drinks that crap. Six months ago you wouldn't have even let that swill on the wine list. Face it buddy, you're whipped.

[beat

ERNIE: You're right.

MARSHALL: I've been trying to tell you.

[JACK moans

ERNIE: [kicks JACK, JACK moans I'm sorry, man.

MARSHALL: Me too. [kicks JACK, JACK moans.

ERNIE: That Syrah is all right. [Splashes the tasting-glass wine on JACK

OFF-STAGE VOICE: Sommelier to table six!

ERNIE: I'll have to recommend it to table six.

MARSHALL: [They look R Yeah, they're a lovely couple.

ERNIE: Kinda makes you jealous.

MARSHALL: Right. We can fix that.