OobUndergroundLairRevisedScript

Out of Bounds 2003:

The Underground Lair

Revised Script

---

René, Peter, Corey, Tara, Monique.

[Leave the 'EVIL' sign DC, face-down.

[EVIL OVERLORD (EO), with suitably evil music, walks up to a podium DL.

Okay. Everybody comfy?

I'm not here to play the blame game.

But, the objective of Operation Puppetmaster was

{CLICK - René, Peter, Corey, and Monique, as zombies, are trying to eat a horrified Tara.}

to make the world leaders at the UN into my evil zombie mind slaves, right?

{CLICK - OFF}

That was objective number one. What was the result?

{CLICK - two befuddled-looking guards (René, Peter) DL are attacked by ninjas (Corey, Tara, Monique) DR.}

We were attacked by ninjas,

{CLICK - OFF}
{CLICK - Everyone frozen in mid-air, blown back from center stage.}

Underground Lair #5 was destroyed in a gigantic explosive fireball,

{CLICK - OFF}
{CLICK - René & Monique offstage; Corey encased in ice; Peter and Tara touching the iceblock}

and I was imprisoned in a big chunk of ice.

{CLICK - OFF}

Quick recap of what went wrong:

{CLICK - René, without glasses, stands center stage in a James-Bond pose. Peter, Corey, Tara, and Monique are offstage.}

Okay, now this is a government agent. This...

{CLICK - OFF}
{CLICK - René, in exact same pose, wearing glasses}

is a government agent with glasses. Yes, I know, put your hand down, he might say he is an ornithological hobbyist and enthusiast who just happens to be in the rainforests of Ga'antu Island, but...

{CLICK - OFF}

frankly, you people should know better.

{CLICK - Tara, DR, shrugs apologetically. Monique, Corey, Peter, and René stand in a line DL, looking shocked.}

Also, someone told the Saudis that we are not a militant branch of Islam. That has cut off a good chunk of our funding!

{CLICK - OFF}

For future reference, lie! Remember,

{CLICK - Corey sits DC holding the "EVIL" sign, giving thumbs up. Behind him, Monique, Tara, Peter, and René spell "EVIL" UL to UR.}

we're evil, we can do that.

{CLICK - OFF}
{CLICK - René smiles, waves at crowd, DL. Tara, Monique, Peter, and Corey form a firing squad DR.}

Whoever added "Kill Ronald !McDonald" to the Mission Objectives... not funny.

{CLICK - OFF}

All right? I was going around thinking there was this guy, with outposts in every town in America, with doubles everywhere, expending all sorts of Evil Resources on wiping him out, and nobody mentions to me that he's a fictional character? [isolated chuckle in crowd Frankly, I doubt some people's commitment to world domination.

And finally, announcements.

{CLICK - Peter, center stage, holds a mime clipboard, looking around suspiciousy}

We've got OSHA inspections this week

{CLICK - OFF}

so try to keep the

{CLICK - Peter, center stage, running L, from crowd of angry monkeys R.}

plague monkey pen latched this time.

{CLICK - OFF}

We're up to 15,000 safe evil man-hours worked. Remember, safety begins with you.

{CLICK - Corey, holding skateboard, center stage}

Some of you may have noticed a new face here at Unit #8. This is Timmy Watson of Long Beach, California, winner of the [shuffles papers Dew Your Worst contest, sponsored by Mountain Dew, the Choice of an Evil Generation.

{CLICK - OFF}

Timmy won a tour of a secret underground fortress and I'd like you all to show him an evil time. Moooohoohoohahahahaha.

Moohoohoohahaha!

Do you call that maniacal laughter?

Do you think I'm just in this for me?

Dr. Totenkopf, who put your head in a jar so you could continue your quest for the perfect plague monkey?

Miss Goodenplenty, who deep-fried Vancouver just to help you get back at your ex-boyfried?

Lord Scalan, who released giant man-eating snakes in the Amazon on your birthday?

And all I ask in return, is insane loyalty to our cause of world domination. We're all in this together. Like family.

[EO sighs

You know what I never told anybody that I didn't kill later? I love this job because of the people. All of you.

{CLICK - two benches stage center. Corey, Tara, and René extend their arms, with grasping hands, above the benches (if we don't have benches, they'll just do this behind the DR curtain). Peter, DL, is being pushed forward. Monique extends a hand behind him from behind the DL curtain.}

And if I push one of you into the tank of lampreys, it's out of love. It's also probably because you betrayed me or you're incompetent or I was in a bad mood, but it's mostly...

{CLICK - off}

... mostly out of love.

[sniffling I'm sorry. I get sentimental sometimes.

I feel like we are a bit down. [smiles brightly So we are going to destroy Kansas! No extortion, no 'demonstrating our ultimate weapon,' we're just wiping it off the planet.

How do we feel about that?

Moohoohoohahaha!

I said, "How do we feel about that?"

MOOHOOHOOHAHAHAHA!!!

[very chipper

All right, get the popcorn, and we'll watch on the destructo-cam.

---

Footnotes

---

---