Out of Bounds 2003:

Ethel Windage v Damn Sexy Roofing, LLC

Revised Script

[ Judge's chair UC. ETHEL sits DL. LAUREN sits DR. BAILIFF stands UR.?

VO: Today on Texas Justice... she says they were supposed to float her boat.  They say they were supposed to shingle her shed. Judge Carla Erlenmeyer presides over: the Case of the Sexy Roofers.

BAILIFF: All rise. [JUDGE enters UR? The court of the honorable Judge... aw, Christ. Look, let's just get going. [to JUDGE? You: talk.

JUDGE: Thank you Don. Call the plaintiff to the stand.

BAILIFF: [crosses DR to ETHEL? Do you swear to tell the truth, or so help me, I will kick your --

JUDGE: That'll do, Don; [BAILIFF crosses UR? Ethel, just summarize your case for the court.

ETHEL:  I hired Damn Sexy Roofing to re-shingle a section of an outbuilding on my property.  

LAUREN:  We completed the work --

BAILIFF:  That's it, punk, get... [ BAILIFF crosses DL to LAUREN.?

JUDGE:  You'll get your turn, sir. [to BAILIFF? Don, do you have a cold? [BAILIFF, crossing UL, shakes his head 'no.'?

ETHEL:  They did the work, but they weren't sexy.

LAUREN:  Objection!

[BAILIFF draws weapon.?

JUDGE: Overruled. We're in discovery. [to BAILIFF? Don, that won't be necessary. [to ETHEL? Proceed.

ETHEL: Like I was saying, they weren't sexy. I paid $600 for sexy roofers. I want my money back.

JUDGE: In what way 'not sexy'?

ETHEL: They wore too many clothes. They didn't have mustaches --

JUDGE:  One of those slimy Clark Gable mustaches or a bushy Tom-Selleck mustache?

ETHEL:  Tom Selleck, naturally.

JUDGE: Lauren, you're representing Sexy Roofers?

LAUREN: Damn Sexy Roofers, LLC. We fulfilled the letter and spirit of the contract and we ask that you rule against the plaintiff. Additionally, we're countersuing for $300 for emotional distress.

BAILIFF: Emotional? What the...

LAUREN: She yelled at Johnny Sweetcheeks. Called him 'Sweatcheeks.' He's very sensitive.

JUDGE:  I see from the contract here that you are obligated to... [reading? 'lay down some sweet roofing all night long.'

LAUREN: That we did, your honor.

ETHEL: But I was promised sexy roofers, glistening with sweat, wearing chaps and speedos, with cowboy hats and bushy Tom Selleck mustaches.

LAUREN: Sir, to protect our workers, we require lower regions to be fully covered while roofing. They wear tight jeans, cutoffs, and Hooters-style hot pants. We had a bad accident involving g-strings and tar last fall. [shudder? It was not sexy.

JUDGE: About the mustaches?...

ETHEL: One had a goatee.

JUDGE: That's not sexy.

LAUREN: We made it clear to Ms. Windage that Selleck mustaches were an extra charge and she declined. See her signature on Exhibit C.

BAILIFF:  [producing exhibit "C," crossing to JUDGE and back?  Bam!

JUDGE:  Thanks, Don. [examines paper? Is this your signature, Ms. Windage?

ETHEL: Wait... no! No, that's not my signature!

LAUREN: Your husband signed for you. I was there!

ETHEL: I'm not married! If I was, why the hell would I hire sexy roofers?

LAUREN: Then who...?

JUDGE: Order! [raps gavel? Don could you... [beat? Waitaminute! You're not Don, you're ...

[BAILIFF turns away to put on Selleck mask, pulls gun.?

ALL: [gasps? Tom Selleck!

BAILIFF/SELLECK: [crossing to center stage? Yes, Judge Erlenmeyer. I've been following Damn Sexy Roofers for three months as they took advantage of women like Ms. Windage. The only way to bring them to justice was to disguise myself as her husband and your bailiff. Nobody sells my mustache but me, see.

JUDGE: [raps gavel? Put the gun down, Magnum. I find the defendent guilty of misappropriating the intellectual and facial property of Tom Selleck and so order Damn Sexy Roofing, LLC to pay Mr. Selleck one thousand dollars in damages. Since you roofed Ms. Windage's shed per your contract, I dismiss her claim and your countersuit.

LAUREN: One thousand? Shit.

ETHEL: Oooh. Tom Selleck!

VO: So, a surprise upset on Texas Justice. Tune in tomorrow for the case of...

LAUREN: A thousand. Jesus.

VO: David Mamet v. Texas Justice. Good night!

BAILIFF/SELLECK:  [to audience?  Who loves ya, baby?

[Blackout. ''Magnum, P. I.'' closing-credits music?

Footnotes