Out of Bounds 2003:

Radio Mystery Theatre

Revised Script

Radio Mystery Theatre

[Creepy, woodwind-heavy classical music plays?

ANNCR: Tonight, "Radio Mystery Theatre" presents... "Murder at Wendsleydown."

[musical stab?

ANNCR: Episode Six: The Killer Unmasked.

door opens, closes?

CLARISSA: What's this crowd in the drawing room?

NOBBY: It's Inspector Howson.

GIANCOMO: He a'invited'a all of us.

JENKINS: murble murble sherry murble

glass fills in the background?

CLARISSA: But... why?

door opens, closes?

PERCIVAL: Because one of you... murdered Lord Phillips.

ALL: Percival Howson!

NOBBY: And his steadfast assistant, Superintendant Randall!

RANDALL: 'ello.

PERCIVAL: Indeed... was it our Italian visitor, Giancomo Dondocce?

GIANOCOMO: Nay-var!

PERCIVAL: Or Reginald Jenkins, Major, Retired?

JENKINS: murble murble Ypres 1914 murble

PERCIVAL: Or his beautiful daughter Clarissa?

CLARISSA: No!

PERCIVAL: Ha. These have been mere japes. The murderer is none other than that famous layabout, Nobby St. John!

jarring Wurlitzer chord?

[All gasp?

CLARISSA: But Percy, however did you know?

PERCY: It was a simple matter! As a famed vintner and discredited physician, Nobby was the only guest who would have known of Lord Phillip's paralytic allergy to navy rum!

GIANCOMO: But 'a thought he fell offa da balcony!

PERCY: A clever ruse, that almost fooled even me.

NOBBY: But I didn't kill him.

JENKINS: murble murble Rastafarians murble

PERCY: Then how do you explain this!

shing!?

GIANCOMO: It's a knife-a!

NOBBY: A pie server, actually.

PERCY: It's still pointy! And found in Lord Phillip's back! With your fingerprints all over it!

NOBBY: Must've been an accident.

PERCY: You're telling me that Lord Phillip accidentally drank a gallon of navy rum, tripped, fell up three flights of stairs to the attic, where you, in the process of serving yourself a piece of mince pie, and through no fault of your own, helplessly looked on as Lord Phillip repeatedly impaled himself upon the pointy end, backwards, before yelling "No, no, Nobby! Dear God, someone please save me!" binding his own hands and casting himself off the balcony onto the cobblestones below as a lark?

[beat?

NOBBY: He was accident-prone.

PERCY: What?!

RANDALL: [helpful clarification? He did say "no," Percy.

CLARISSA: Oh, poor deluded Lord Phillip!

JENKINS: murble murble good egg murble

CLARISSA: We're so sorry, Nobby.

NOBBY: How dare you accuse me? Lord Phillip was like a father to me!

PERCY: Wait... wait...

paper being unfurled?

PERCY: Would a father blackmail you to the tune of...

paper being unfurled?

PERCY: ... ten-thousand pounds sterling?

NOBBY: Out of love, Percy! To free us from the corrupting influence of disposable income.

CLARISSA: Yes Percy, he was blackmailing all of us. It's family tradition.

JENKINS: murble murble root of all evil murble

PERCY: Oh, shut up, you sherry-pickled prat!

CLARISSA: Percy!

PERCY: Don't "Percy" me, you vacuous trollop! I hope this homicidal bastard makes pie slices out of the whole gullible lot of you!

GIANCOMO: Who's-a tha hom... eh, the hom--

PERCY: It's Nobby! Nobby is the 'homicidal bastard,' you insufferable Italian yobbo!

RANDALL: Oh, now, Percy, you've been beat fair and square --

PERCY: And you! You, you time-serving sycophant!

RANDALL: Time-serving? As if you're any closer to solving this case than you were an hour ago?

NOBBY: [obnoxiously cheeky? Ha! "World-class detective." "World-class defective," I should say!

[ALL laugh?

JENKINS: murble murble dimtwaddle murble

chair scoots backward?

PERCY: That's it! That is positively enough!

crash of lamp breaking on floor?

NOBBY: Hello, Percy! What are you doing with that lamp cord?

chair shifting, sounds of strangulation?

GIANCOMO: He's-a choking Nobby!

JENKINS: murble murble Corinthians murble

NOBBY: Gllk!

RANDALL: Now then, Percy, rule of law and all that rot.

PERCY: Bollocks to the law, I... Randall, unhand me! Clarissa, put down that truncheon!

thwap! body meatily thumps to the ground?

NOBBY: Ah. Spot-on, Clarissa. I haven't seen a man slump over like that since I shot the Archduke Ferdinand!

RANDALL: 'ang on!

CLARISSA: You shot the Archduke?

NOBBY: Oh yes. Right between the eyes! I was a crack shot at Luton, fourth form.

GIANCOMO: Mama mia!

RANDALL: You started the Great War!

CLARISSA: Nobby, you... you beast!

JENKINS: murble murble curry sandwich murble Verdun murble

RANDALL: That's it, lad. Away wif ya.

NOBBY: But... what about the murder? What about...

RANDALL: Explain that to the hangman's noose, Nobby.

NOBBY: Curse you, Percival Howson! I shall get you, if it's the last thing I do!

Door slams shut.?

Body shifting on floor?

PERCIVAL: Oh, god. My head.

GIANCOMO: Hooray! Justice is a-served!

CLARISSA: Another case solved by the great Percival Howson!

PERCIVAL: What?

JENKINS: murble murble sherry for all!

clink, clink, pour, pour?

?

[closing music?

ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for next week, with episode one of... "An Unpleasant Fortnight in Swindon."

Footnotes