Out of Bounds 2003:

Naming the Band

Revision Notes

Here is the revised script

What Needs Fixing, and How Badly Does It Need to Be Fixed?

The Peter sez:

You know, I think this one works. I'm starting to think that 80% of the revision work is going to be in 20% of the scripts, because all I did with this one is some minor edits. Bob, you might look'em over and see if they're in order....

re Bob's comments: yes, and since this guy's running long, we may be able to just yank the 'screwing Waz's girlfriend' bit completely. Any number of things can get a 19-year-old lyricist to storm out of a room. I'll check on tightening up the 'intervention' line tomorrow.


The Bob sez:

I read it through at 4:50.

I'm a little worried about the "I'm screwing Waz's girlfriend" because that should probably be higher stakes than naming the band. It serves to raise tension, and set up a couple gags but it doesn't advance the story much. The intervention line is a bit long too. I'd change these before anything else, but I don't feel so strongly that I'd suggest an edit. Also, it kinda reads like a radio play, which is not bad because it makes everything obvious.

We must find out how to pronounce muizengif.

Grab Bag of Material to Add

Footnotes