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OobNamingTheBandRevisedScript
!! Out of Bounds 2003:%%% !! Naming the Band%%% !! Revised Script ---- [[DAG, with bass, stands L. ROCCO sits UC behind an upturned bucket. WAZ, with guitar, sits R.] DAG: [[flatly; Dutch accent] Waz, are you ready to rock? WAZ: All right, Dag! Okay! Rocco, kick it! ROCCO: One! Two! One, two, three, four! [[He raises a drumstick. EVE bursts in from DR, holding a stack of posters.] EVE: Guys! I've totally got these cool posters for the band! ROCCO: Eve, don't we need a name first? EVE: I've totally got that solved. Check it! [[Crosses L to Dag, shows him a poster.] "One-Winged Dove." DAG: "One-Winged Dog?" ROCCO: Dude. [[stands] We ''should'' have a name like "The Head-Banging, Ass-Kicking, Kick-Ass Band That Kicks Your Ass." [[beat] DAG: Rocco, do you have some kind of fetish? WAZ: Evie, honey, [[crosses to Eve L] I like the dove, but it's got to ''mean'' something -- about us. EVE: [[peevish] Okay, Waz, what did you have in mind? WAZ: [[waving a hand as if spelling it on a marquee] "The Waz-tronauts." [[beat] DAG: [[crosses R] I like the ass name better. ROCCO: Hell, Dude. Waz? Dude! You're makin' this, like, all about ''you'' and shit. I am no man's toady, Mister Waz. DAG: I agree with ass-toady. I propose we call ourselves "Muizengif." EVE: [[crosses DL] That is so totally, ''totally'' poetic. ROCCO: [[to DAG] What's a Muizengif? DAG: It's Dutch for "rat poison." ROCCO: Awesome! DAG: It has an umlaut. [[ROCCO sits, a beatific smile on his face.] EVE: Uh -- guh-''ross!'' How about "Calico Smile"? WAZ: "Waz and the Calico Smile..." ROCCO: "Waz and His Ego?" WAZ: If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't ''have'' a band, guys. Rocco, why do we even ''need '' you? EVE: Yeah! [[beat] ROCCO: It's my basement. WAZ: [[sotto voce] Damn. EVE: [[crossing DR] When we're, like, releasing our fifth album and playing to stadiums, nobody'll know what Moosey-Jiffy even means. WAZ: But we have a "Waztronaut"... aesthetic. EVE: Waz, you just sit there air-guitaring all day, so you can't, like, tell us what art is. I... am a ''poet'', okay? ROCCO: [[crosses DL] A ''bad'' poet. EVE: Oh yeah? [[lowering the boom!] Well you don't even have real drums! ROCCO: [[defensive & hurt] Dude. Do *not* *mock* the *bucket.* DAG: I am running out of Heineken and I have to pee. WAZ: [[crosses to C] Guys! This isn't what being in a band is about! It's about working together! And positivity! And making music, guys! I mean, what kind of band are we if we can't settle on a name. There's no "i" in "team," people. DAG: Ja, but there's an "ass" in "Waz." WAZ: Dag. Seriously. Guys. Seriously. What about "The Waz-tronauts?" ROCCO: What about "Our Singer is Tone-Deaf?" EVE: Oh. My. God. [[exits DR, crying] WAZ: Great. Rocco, you've gotta get her back here! DAG: She'll be back in three... two... one.... [[EVE enters from DR] EVE: I have just one thing to say. DAG: "More Heineken?" EVE: I am leaving this band. ROCCO: [[crossing UC to chair, sitting, putting down his sticks] Yeah, this is, like, stupid. [[sotto voce] ... name doesn't even have an umlaut, and -- WAZ: Fine, people. I tried. I really tried. But it looks like the whole musical journey ends right here. I'm going home. I'm gonna work on my solo album. [[WAZ crosses DR. As he passes DAG, DAG belches and collapses.] DAG: Gefussenschwiften gesentnisgabe.... [[EVE, ROCCO, and WAZ gather around DAG.] EVE: Dag!! ROCCO: Holy crap! WAZ: He's dead! ROCCO: Stand him up! Or something! EVE: Dag! Dag, honey! Don't go towards the light!! WAZ: [[crosses to stand UR of DAG] Dag Halmjaar, we are having an intervention ''right now''. You have hit rock bottom, and we're bringin' you back up, buddy. [[DAG coughs] ROCCO: He's coming around! EVE: Are you trying to say something? DAG: Ja. EVE: What? DAG: I quit also. I am not going to be in "Ass and the One-Winged Waz-Tards." [[beat] ROCCO: "Ass and the One-Winged Waz-Tards!" [[sits] EVE: That is ''so totally poetic''. WAZ: It says so much, yet it resists interpretation! ROCCO: Umlaut over the 'a?' WAZ: Fine by me. DAG: What? ROCCO: We've got it! That's our name, dude! EVE: I'll make the totally ''new'' posters! DAG: In my country, you would all be put in an asylum. ROCCO: Rehearsal is back on! [[EVE, WAZ, and ROCCO guide DAG into a seated position.] VO: And from that day on, "Äss and the One-Winged Waz-Tards" produced the finest Emo-Death-Core-Shoegazer Bucket Rock, America -- or, indeed, the world -- had ever seen. EVE: So what do we name our first song? DAG: Shit. [[blackout] ---- ! Footnotes ---- <?plugin BackLinks?> ----
