Out of Bounds 2003:

Naming the Band

Revised Script

[DAG, with bass, stands L. ROCCO sits UC behind an upturned bucket. WAZ, with guitar, sits R.?

DAG: [flatly; Dutch accent? Waz, are you ready to rock?

WAZ: All right, Dag! Okay! Rocco, kick it!

ROCCO: One! Two! One, two, three, four!

[He raises a drumstick. EVE bursts in from DR, holding a stack of posters.?

EVE: Guys! I've totally got these cool posters for the band!

ROCCO: Eve, don't we need a name first?

EVE: I've totally got that solved. Check it! [Crosses L to Dag, shows him a poster.? "One-Winged Dove."

DAG: "One-Winged Dog?"

ROCCO: Dude. [stands? We should have a name like "The Head-Banging, Ass-Kicking, Kick-Ass Band That Kicks Your Ass."

[beat?

DAG: Rocco, do you have some kind of fetish?

WAZ: Evie, honey, [crosses to Eve L? I like the dove, but it's got to mean something -- about us.

EVE: [peevish? Okay, Waz, what did you have in mind?

WAZ: [waving a hand as if spelling it on a marquee? "The Waz-tronauts."

[beat?

DAG: [crosses R? I like the ass name better.

ROCCO: Hell, Dude. Waz? Dude! You're makin' this, like, all about you and shit. I am no man's toady, Mister Waz.

DAG: I agree with ass-toady. I propose we call ourselves "Muizengif."

EVE: [crosses DL? That is so totally, totally poetic.

ROCCO: [to DAG? What's a Muizengif?

DAG: It's Dutch for "rat poison."

ROCCO: Awesome!

DAG: It has an umlaut.

[ROCCO sits, a beatific smile on his face.?

EVE: Uh -- guh-ross! How about "Calico Smile"?

WAZ: "Waz and the Calico Smile..."

ROCCO: "Waz and His Ego?"

WAZ: If it wasn't for me, we wouldn't have a band, guys. Rocco, why do we even need you?

EVE: Yeah!

[beat?

ROCCO: It's my basement.

WAZ: [sotto voce? Damn.

EVE: [crossing DR? When we're, like, releasing our fifth album and playing to stadiums, nobody'll know what Moosey-Jiffy even means.

WAZ: But we have a "Waztronaut"... aesthetic.

EVE: Waz, you just sit there air-guitaring all day, so you can't, like, tell us what art is. I... am a poet, okay?

ROCCO: [crosses DL? A bad poet.

EVE: Oh yeah? [lowering the boom!? Well you don't even have real drums!

ROCCO: [defensive & hurt? Dude. Do not mock the bucket.

DAG: I am running out of Heineken and I have to pee.

WAZ: [crosses to C? Guys! This isn't what being in a band is about! It's about working together! And positivity! And making music, guys! I mean, what kind of band are we if we can't settle on a name. There's no "i" in "team," people.

DAG: Ja, but there's an "ass" in "Waz."

WAZ: Dag. Seriously. Guys. Seriously. What about "The Waz-tronauts?"

ROCCO: What about "Our Singer is Tone-Deaf?"

EVE: Oh. My. God. [exits DR, crying?

WAZ: Great. Rocco, you've gotta get her back here!

DAG: She'll be back in three... two... one....

[EVE enters from DR?

EVE: I have just one thing to say.

DAG: "More Heineken?"

EVE: I am leaving this band.

ROCCO: [crossing UC to chair, sitting, putting down his sticks? Yeah, this is, like, stupid. [sotto voce? ... name doesn't even have an umlaut, and --

WAZ: Fine, people. I tried. I really tried. But it looks like the whole musical journey ends right here. I'm going home. I'm gonna work on my solo album.

[WAZ crosses DR. As he passes DAG, DAG belches and collapses.?

DAG: Gefussenschwiften gesentnisgabe....

[EVE, ROCCO, and WAZ gather around DAG.?

EVE: Dag!!

ROCCO: Holy crap!

WAZ: He's dead!

ROCCO: Stand him up! Or something!

EVE: Dag! Dag, honey! Don't go towards the light!!

WAZ: [crosses to stand UR of DAG? Dag Halmjaar, we are having an intervention right now. You have hit rock bottom, and we're bringin' you back up, buddy.

[DAG coughs?

ROCCO: He's coming around!

EVE: Are you trying to say something?

DAG: Ja.

EVE: What?

DAG: I quit also. I am not going to be in "Ass and the One-Winged Waz-Tards."

[beat?

ROCCO: "Ass and the One-Winged Waz-Tards!" [sits?

EVE: That is so totally poetic.

WAZ: It says so much, yet it resists interpretation!

ROCCO: Umlaut over the 'a?'

WAZ: Fine by me.

DAG: What?

ROCCO: We've got it! That's our name, dude!

EVE: I'll make the totally new posters!

DAG: In my country, you would all be put in an asylum.

ROCCO: Rehearsal is back on!

[EVE, WAZ, and ROCCO guide DAG into a seated position.?

VO: And from that day on, "Äss and the One-Winged Waz-Tards" produced the finest Emo-Death-Core-Shoegazer Bucket Rock, America -- or, indeed, the world -- had ever seen.

EVE: So what do we name our first song?

DAG: Shit.

[blackout?

Footnotes