OobFiveAngryDentistsRevisedScript

Out of Bounds 2003:

Five Angry Dentists

Revised Script

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[sound of rain in background, as it will be throughout.

[Table DC with four chairs. STEVE's empty chair is R. JOEL sits UR. BUD sits UL. MORT sits L. STAN paces UC.

STEVE: [ aside Friday, May 22rd, 1964. We'd been sequestered for ten hours straight. It was time for another vote but everyone knew how it would come out.

[STEVE crosses to his chair and sits; BUD draws ballots out of a hat

BUD: For, for, ... for, ... for, [long pause Against.

[Groans all around

[Thunderclap. Lights down

MORT: Aw, for the love o'...

[lights up

STAN: Can't we just agree and go home?

BUD: [looking towards STEVE Apparently not.

JOEL: I can explain this logically, Steven. Sugar-free gum has no sugar. No sugar means no cavities. No cavities means we, as dentists, can with clear conscience recommend it, for our patients who chew gum.

STEVE: But --

JOEL: AND SO you have NO REASON to keep holding out.

MORT: You got that right. Jeez. [leans back in chair, lifts Playboy, unfolds centerfold. To himself. Yowza....

STAN: Please! Steve! Joel! You guys need to just stop fighting!

BUD: Don't waste your breath on people like him.

STEVE: Like me?

BUD: Yeah, like you. I seen it before. Guy goes to Princeton, comes out of dental school, and he's got the whole world figured out. It's like a filling in a molar, black and white.

STEVE: Is that so? [standing

BUD: [standing, thumping both hands on table Yeah it is, Stevie-boy. Go back to Sheboygan. Scrape tartar off some octogenarian's second cuspid. Leave the real decisions to the real men.

STEVE: I'll have you know --

BUD: Save it, you floss-puller! I did root canals in Korea, with a million Red Chinese pouring across the border, when you were pissing your goddamn diapers, you... hygenist.

STAN: Aw, jeez.

STEVE: That's Lieutenant Hygenist to you, soldier. I spent two years as a prisoner of the Chinese army to buy you time to escape the Chosin Reservoir! My father died of an abscess waiting for me to get home, while you and your jarhead buddies laughed it up back at Bethesda! [beat You... make... me... sick.

[BUD fixes STEVE with a steady, Mike-Joplin-like stare. JOEL, STAN, and MORT back off. For 15 seconds, they continue staring.

STEVE: I'll change my vote to 'for'.

BUD: You sure?

STEVE: Yeah. [sits

[beat

JOEL: Whew.

MORT: Time to go home!

STAN: What? What?!

BUD: Five 'fors', zero 'against.'

STAN: What the hell was that? We're here for ten hours, and you just change your freakin' mind?

MORT: [chuckles; stands up, stretches C'mon, Stan, don't get all bothered over this.

STAN: Sit down! Going on about your new pool and Miss September. Mort, you don't give a damn about anything but money.

JOEL: Stanley, I think ...

STAN: Yeah, Joel, you think. That's all you do, think and talk. When was the last time you pulled an impacted wisdom? You sure do talk a lot, but none of you bastards ever listen. Well that's about to change.

[STAN produces a dental drill, starts it. Crosses in front of table to MORT.

STAN: [edge-of-madness tittering chuckle Now maybe everybody's gonna listen to Stanley for a change!

MORT: Dear God, no!

[Thunderclap. Lights down

[Crashing sound. Whirring of dental drill. Gunshot. Lights up. STAN lies dead on the floor in a slowly-expanding pool of blood.

BUD: [holstering weapon I guess that settles it. Four out of five, Steve?

STEVE: Four out of five, Bud.

[STEVE crosses DR.

STEVE: [aside The ADA hushed the whole thing up. They used the results to advertise gum. Can you beat that? "Four out of five dentists recommend sugar-free gum, for their patients who chew gum." And every night I ask myself: Was it worth a man's life?

[Thunderclap. Lights down

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Footnotes

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