OobAnacondaRevisedScript

Out of Bounds 2003:

Anaconda

Revised Script

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1. Tray with scone, offstage UR; 2. Skateboard, offstage DR; 3. Rope, offstage DL

[ PETUNIA stands just right of DC. DANIEL stands DL. JENKINS stands UR, turning the big wheel. CANONFODDER, KILLWORTHY, and CORPSELY are UL, swabbing.

[ short piano introduction

SONG

[KATY
It's lovely sailing on the Amazon

[TARA With the scent
And the sound
Of the sea

[KATY & TARA So Daniel's making sure the camera's on
When we film
All the folk
That we see

DANIEL
A lovely little opportunity
To film a South American community
We have camraderie and unity
And meet here every afternoon at tea!

ALL
We meet here every afternoon at tea!

ALL
It's lovely sailing on the Amazon
With the scent
And the sound
Of the sea

PETUNIA
A perfect place for anthropologists
Ecologists and herpetologists
Even habitual technologists
Would convert to Amazoniologists!

ALL
Would convert to Amazoniologists!

ALL
How delightful here upon the Amazon
With the scent
And the sound
Of the sea
We won't be caught with our pajamas on
By the dan-
gerous things
that could be
In the lovely Amazon!
In the untamed Amazon!
In the radiant A-ma-zon!

[ Closing musical flourish.

[ By this point, SCALAN should be set up lying on a skateboard behind the DR curtain

DANIEL [ crosses to PETUNIA But... not as radiant... as you, Petunia!
PETUNIA [laughing Sh... Daniel... Daddy shall hear!
DANIEL The Admiral shall hear an objective report from a professional aesthete. A photojournalist must comprehend aesthetics.

[ JENKINS looks out window, mouths "Oh!" and exits the bridge.

PETUNIA Well, Daddy shan't object to a respectable professional judgement.

[ JENKINS crosses DL, to just left of PETUNIA and DANIEL.

JENKINS Surely my daughter isn't making overtures to a lowly cameraman!
PETUNIA Oh... [turns DR what's that in the river ahead?
JENKINS Dear girl, that's a whole body! Get the poor blighter aboard!

[ JENKINS gets the rope, tosses it to offstage SCALAN

KILLWORTHY Or anything that will float!
ALL Get him some brandy! Get his hand! PULL! &c.

[ They pull SCALAN across the stage, and drag him aboard.

ALL Oh dear! Are you all right! Where's that brandy! &c.

[ SCALAN wheezes and coughs primly.

SCALAN [spookily Beware!
PETUNIA Beware?
SCALAN [spookily Beware!
JENKINS Bah, of what, dear boy?
SCALAN [spookily Beware the... Anaconda!
ALL 'Anaconda?'
SCALAN The anaconda!
PETUNIA [jealous Who is this Miss Conda?

SONG

SCALAN
The darkness of the river
Has terrors to deliver
Your quaking heart will quiver
Your very soul will shiver
From the giant killer snake that pulls you un-dah!
ANACONDA!

ALL
ANACONDA?

SCALAN
ANACONDA!

JENKINS
If you think we are in terror
Then young man you are in error.
For a British standard-bearer --

CANNONFODDER He is stouter!
CORPSELY Braver!
KILLWORTHY Fairer!

JENKINS
Than any slimy creature over yond-ah!
Bah! "ANACONDA!"

[ ALL react to the following lines with increasing discomfiture; music changes slightly

SCALAN
But this partic'lar serpent is so rude
It sheds its skin and slithers in the nude.
It eats you with its mouth agape,
And you'd be swallowed, no escaping,
Down its ugly gullet all unchewed!
It's such an unrefinéd fate to pon-dah!

SCALAN
ANACONDA!

ALL [scared; gasp
ANACONDA?

SCALAN
ANACONDA!

ALL [scared ANACONDA?

ALL, INCLUDING SCALAN
ANACONDA!

[ jarring chords

PETUNIA Is the anaconda... that dreadful?

[ CORPSELY obtains tea tray from offstage UR

SCALAN Indeed, and with less manners... than a Scotsman!

[All gasp!

SCALAN And the one that attacked me... is still out there!
CORPSELY [entering from UR with tea tray Tea time!

[ JENKINS picks up and starts eating a scone.

PETUNIA But... so long as Daddy's here, everything will be top-drawer!
JENKINS Urp! Bother.
PETUNIA Daddy?!
JENKINS [Passing out Bad scone. Terribly sorry. [Plop.

[All gasp.

PETUNIA Daddy!
DANIEL Petunia!
CORPSELY Lord Cannonfodder!
KILLWORTHY Corpsely!
CANNONFODDER Miss Killworthy!
SCALAN [beat -- eyeing the woods Anaconda!

[ curtain falls on slightly eerie music.

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Footnotes

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