I don't fly enough to fancy myself an expert on different types of airline meals. I just have a passing interest in the ones that a passenger must special order.

Here is Delta'a list of special-order meals: Baby, Toddler and Children's Meals Bland Diabetic Fruit Plate Gluten Free Kosher Low Calorie Low Cholesterol/Low Fat Low Sodium Moslem Seafood—Hot and Cold Vegetarian—Ovo Lacto, Asian (Hindu), and Pure Vegetarian

Here is Air Canada's: Asian vegetarian meal Infant or baby's meal Bland/soft meal Child's meal Diabetic meal Fruit platter meal Gluten-free meal Hindu meal Kosher meal Low-calorie meal Low-cholesterol/low-fat meal Low-sodium meal Muslim meal Oriental meal Vegetarian meal (non-dairy) Vegetarian meal (lacto-ovo) Non-lactose meal

Here is my snarky commentary:

Asian vegetarian meal: This isn't funny. I would order this. It is probably a plate of rice with some veggies and soy sauce on it. Not funny. If it had rubbery chunks of tofu, that would be funny.

Infant or baby's meal: Little plastic tublets of Gerber goop and Zwieback cookies? Maybe a banana mommy or daddy can mash up?

Bland/soft meal: This meal is suitable for toothless elderly folks or people suffering from ulcers. This meal is also suitable for people looking to mess with their friends. Before looking up just exactly what is in a real bland (or bland/soft) meal, I guessed it was scrambled eggs and Saltines, maybe with a sad piece of sugarless gum or a banana for mommy or daddy (or the flight attendant) to mash up. According to American Airlines (whose website has a handy sample menu), the bland meal is low in fat and fiber and includes items like cereal, turkey sandwiches, "chicken entree", and in some cases, shrimp cocktail!

Child's meal: This is totally dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, as seen in big boxes at Costco. Maybe even a container of Duncan Hines rainbow sprinkle frosting?

Diabetic meal: Probably is being resold as the "Atkins Meal." It pains me that the diet dipshits are taking the Estee sugarless brownies out of the mouths of real diabetics. American features a "plain bagel with unsalted margarine" for the insulin-deprived, and that previously mentioned "chicken entree" with hopes and dreams of shrimp cocktail.

Fruit platter meal: Back when I was making the frequent San Diego-Hartford cross-continental flight, I would get wise and order the vegetarian meal. One time, they brought me the fucking fruit platter, and it was all I could do not to throw it at the back of some bald guy's head. For starters, I'm allergic to citrus fruits, which makes the entire plate lethal, even those innocent banana and grape chunklets get contaminated when adjacent to EVIL. Enough about me. This is a fruit plate. It's a plate with fruit on it. Yum or yuck.

Gluten-free meal: This most certainly does not include "plain bagel with unsalted margarine." My mom is among the gluten-free, and it's a sobering lifestyle, let me tell you. No BREAD, PASTA, or delicious CAKES AND PASTRIES make mommy a sad girl indeed. Her days of mashing bananas for her youngins are over, but she does have this meal to look forward to the next time she flies: chicken and rice cakes. YUM!

Hindu meal: Here we get into cross-over territory. While a Hindu meal basically means no cow, mostly vegetarian with the exception of a touch of dairy, most airlines start busting out that damn falafel sandwich. My friend Elizabeth recently reported to me that as an assistant to world-renowned plantoamazoniologist Mark Plotkin, she has ordered him the Hindu meal when booking his air travels. No word on what the Hindu meal consists of, if it contains secret Hindu spices (like maybe turmeric--a very rare and secret spice, ha ha) or whether it is acceptable for non-Hindus to order this special meal.

Kosher meal: Picture a bearded, kippah-ed rebbe presiding over little plastic (unused, of course) trays of food. There are no menu descriptions on the American website, meaning the meal is whatever the whim of the workers at the Kosher airline meal factory is. I'll have to ask Lydia about these.

Low-calorie meal: Air-popped popcorn and the same "chicken entree" served to the bland/softies. According to some possibly reliable source, since air travel causes every organ in your body to swell, eating a low calorie meal might help you feel better on the plane.

Low-cholesterol/low-fat meal: If I wanted to play a mean prank on Bob, I'd order one of these for him.

Low-sodium meal:

Muslim meal: delicious sticks of lamb from the Halal meat stand guy on Lexington and 45th?

Oriental meal: Culturally-insensitive smattering of expired La Choy products, with a big, stale fortune cookie.

Vegetarian meal (non-dairy): That omnipresent falafel sandwich!

Vegetarian meal (lacto-ovo): Twelve-cheese lasagna with little plastic cow figurines all over it.

Non-lactose meal: Maybe, if you're super lucky, SHRIMP COCKTAIL!

Sri Lankan Airways has something called a low-purine meal, which is designed to prevent the formation of uric acid in the body. High purine foods are things like whole milk, organ meats, sweetbreads, sardines, and anchovies. (as an aside, my dad once visited Sri Lanka, in the 1940s, and they did not have toilet paper! You guess what they used instead! Eew!)